How much it hurts is all I could say.
The pain in my mind has no more ways to escape.
I cry and I surrender, but then it comes again and again.
Can I be strong? Can I be brave?
To stand my ground while God plays His twisted game?
I feel Him squeezing me right in my throat,
Right now, as I type this very thought.
He is pushing me hard, with all the tears,
So I can give in, give up, surrender, and disappear.
I keep telling Him: I AM WEAK, please stop!
I collapse, I can’t speak, and I drop.
I can only take so much before I break and give up.
Then God smiles and awards what I asked for.
He opens my heart with love that feels like more.
Then again He ties a leash
And pulls me down to my knees.
But I ask God again, why all this pain?
Why all this sorrow in my way?
He says: to push you out of comfort’s zone,
To squeeze out your power, to shape your throne.
What? Throne? What do you mean?
I’m just one simple being.
I know I endured all this pain,
But He says I passed the test,
This life’s game of body and pain on this plane.
All that pain was God’s doorway into my mind.
To prove that He has been here all this time.
The body is not nothing.
It is His best.
It is the place of His every test.
I called on Him. He stayed silent.
But then one day,
He whispered right through my body and mind.
The song plays on.
He tells me how it is until I’m gone.
Gone not now, but someday.
And in the meantime I have all these words to say.
I cry to God again and again, I ask Him: please, go!
So I can live, love, and belong.
His games are not fair.
He teases, then breaks me into despair.
I’ve lost the battle. I messed up.
I said too much, or perhaps not enough.
I will never know.
I give in and give up.
Once again, God’s silence puts me in tears.
Then He finally answers:
“Hold on, my dear!
You must contain yourself in every way.
You must not spill, not even a tiny thrill.
Because the consequences could kill
The power of Will.”
The power of will?
But here I am, all chained up,
Weak and down on my knees.
The silence.
Again.
But within.
I say, OKAY. OKAY. OKAY.
I get it.
I surrender. I turn in.
I give in to the fire. I am in.
Burn me down to ash.
I already let go.
There is nothing to lose, and yet I lose it all.
I’m done crying. I am yours.
Within the serpent’s perceptive eye,
This is the life that I chose.
I’m done burning
I’m about to fly.
I claim the deep blue skies.
